Run This Town, Jay Z! What a song for the Super Bowl opening. With an orchestra back, and conducted by Hove himself. CBS makes a turn for the bad-ass. Who wants the Who instead of this guy at halftime, again?
Who gonn’ run this town tonight? An entire city vs. Peyton Manning. Who Dat! Who Dat! Who Dat Think they gonn’ beat them Saints!
Jim Nantz and the schlub Phil Simms are calling the Super Bowl.
New Orleans is first on the field, with quite the ‘Who Dat’ montage. All the players are talking, but none of their words are recorded.
Now it’s Indy, and they’re a little better picked up by the microphones. Led onto the field by… not Peyton. What the hell?
Solomon Wilcots and Steve Tasker are the sideline reporters? But…. Sam Ryan! *sniff*
Do these count as Super Bowl commercials? I wonder, because Pizza Hut’s ad isn’t new, and neither is Geico’s. I hope not – non new commercials are LAME.
Walter Payton Man of the Year nominees – London Fletcher, LB, Washington. Mike Furrey, WR/S, Cleveland. Brian Waters, G, Kansas City. All deserving. All from shitty teams – perhaps they need to focus a little more on football and less on being amazing people.
The winner is…. Brian Waters, of the Kansas City Chiefs! Congratulations! Your team was 4-12.
Queen Latifah is here to sing America the Beautiful. I thought she was a rapper? And she’s accompanied by some combination choir, made up of brats and adults alike. Then she goes all gangsta on its end. Not surprising. And now, the real show.
Our National Anthem, sung today by none other than your future Empress, Carrie Underwood. Can we just sign her up to sing every National Anthem, ever, from now until she’s unable to sing? Her voice is like honey and blowjobs combined.
Saints players are crying and singing along. Colts players are looking on stoicly. Geaux Saints! I’m officially committed. 41-31 N’Awlins, baby!
Avatar: The Last Windbender is being made into a movie directed by M. Night Shyamalan. Badass, sir. Excellent first commercial.
Oh – and here’s the LeBron and Dwight McDonald’s Horse commercial. Some sick shit being thrown down – and Dwight breaks the backboard, only to have Larry Legend steal his lunch. Badass!
The Coin Toss now, accompanied by the Hall of Fame class of 2010: Ricky Jackson, Russ Grimm, John Randle, Floyd Little, Dick LeBeau, some dude named Jerry Rice (?), and Emmitt Smith (who?). New Orleans is the visitors. Indy the home team. Emmitt’s here to flip the coin. New Orleans calls Heads (wtf!)
It is a Head! New Orleans takes the ball! Take a seat, Peyton.
Commercials:
Hyundai has a boring add for the new Sonata, with lots of praise for it.
Kickoff. Matt Stover to boot it for the Colts. He puts it to the 3, returned by Courtney Roby to the 23. Drew Brees and the unstoppable Jesus Juggernauts take the field, baby! Reggie Bush gets the start at RB.
Injured Dwight Freeney is on the field. The PT Cruiser gets the handoff and jog-glides forward for a gain of 2. Then it’s slung over to him on a checkdown for a gain of 6. 3rd and 2, N’Awlins!!! Dwight Freeney isn’t Dwight Freeney today – Brees would have been sacked if he were. Brees deep and misses Meachem on 3rd and 2. Bummer!
Punt by Morestead to T.J. Rushing who is tackled IMMEDIATELY by Courtney Roby, special teams wunderkind for the Saints against his former team.
Peyton takes the field for the frist time against his boyhood team. Damn! First town to Dallas Clark, gain of 16.
Huge hit by Roman Harper on 2nd down on Joe Addai. DAMN! Ass over teakettle, for sure. Followed by another short pass to Clark for the 1st. At NO 42 – incomplete to Clark.
Screen to Garcon, Indy’s play A – 3 yard gain. 3rd down! Floats it to Collie… First Down! The Colts pretending they’re alive with this drive, it’s actually exciting, unlike all of their drives against the J! E! T! S! last week.
The Imperial Step-father brought a Michelob Winter’s Bourbon Cask Ale home for me, and it isn’t unpleasant. Pretty good for a major-brewery contribution. Bourbon casks, hint of vanilla beans.
Stover’s on to kick the Field Goal… 3-0 Colts. Easy Peasy.
Bud Light’s commercial advertises a Bud Light house, made out of Bud Light cans. Not too shabby.
Betty White is playing football. “She’s playing like Betty White out there.” Snickers delivers. I repeat – Betty White is playing football.
Jesus H. Christ. Yahweh. God. Allah. Jesus. Fuck you, Tim Tebow.
Okay, apparently this kickoff guy isn’t Matt Stover, but is Indy’s punter. Roby is out to the 28, and FUMBLES! Saints recover immediately, though he’d have been ruled down on review.
Boost Mobile gets the 85 Bears back around to recreate the Super Bowl Shuffle… lame! Not nearly as good.
Doritos! Solid performance, with a dog putting his anti-bark collar on a human taunting him with Doritos with ‘Speak’ commands…
Brees – quit throwing it to the PT Cruiser until he commits to sprinting. 2nd down is a toss to Colston for 4 yards. See, Drewbie Drewbie Drew – Mutant Reggie Bush picks up 16 on 3rd and 6. Throw it to THAT guy!
Mutant Reggie Bush picks up 3 on the ground on first down. Ach! Colston brickhands an easy one. Damn it. And again on 3rd down. Stupid!
Ah… Defense broke it up. Not a drop, then. Excellent, though the Saints still have to punt again.
Downed at the 4! Courtney Roby, baby! Every special teams play so far he’s been involved with.
Robin Hood Trailer. Excellent. Though I refuse to believe Cate Blanchett as ‘Maid’ Marion. She’s old!
Doritos again! A little kid slaps a dude over to take his mom on a date, who then tries to take one of his chips. Nice!
Bud Light + Science Nerds = party time, apparently!
First down on the first play back. Addai gashes N’Awlins for 16 on the ensuing 2nd down.
No penalties yet. 12 yards for Addai on 1st down. Wow. The Colts run the ball? I’m as surprised as New Orleans!
Reggie Wayne’s first catch is a 5 yard gain. Donald Brown picks up 4 and crosses the 50 on 2nd down.
Addai to the Saints 22! Indy runs the inside trap, full-backless edition. Season Long 26 yard run by Addai.
The Saints’ D-Coordinator, Gregg Williams, promised to give Peyton some remember me hits. And thus far they are. Peyton’s been hit every passing play so far. Unfortunately it’s leaving them open to runs. TOUCHDOWN INDIANAPOLIS!! Peyton to Garcon. Indy 10-0 after a Stover PAT. Man I look stupid…
The Coke Simpsons Commercial… Mr. Burns feels all left out. Until Abu gives him a coke and everyone is happy.
Go Daddy shows up, with Danica Patrick and a masseuse. Like all GoDaddy ads, I just feel sad after it ends prematurely.
Holding on the Saints – Penalty count goes to 1! Drewbie Drewbie Drew and the Saints are backed up.
ANOTHER Doritos new add. Dude fakes his death and is buried surrounded by Doritos and with an assist from his buddies sells a miracle.
Bud Light picks it up with some T-Pain voice electrification (?) in the vein of their wassup ads.
Monster has a violinist Beaver.
The Wolfman with a shorter, new trailer.
One Mike Bell run later, and it’s the 2nd quarter.
An Orca Whale stars in the ad for Bridgestone Tires. “Now that, was a bachelor party.”
Reebok Shape-ups thinks we’ll believe a football player wears them. Bullshit flag, 10 dollar penalty.
Cars.com fails to do something new with their ad this year, merely updating their awesome kid makes good, still nervous about cars ad.
Uh-oh. Largest deficit overcome to win is 10 points, also.
Colston Caught it!!!!! First down, Saints! Personal Foul on the Colts!!!!!! Hit out of bounds on Mutant Reggie Bush!!!! First down, Saints, at the 50. Drew Brees checks it to the PT Cruiser, who jogs it out for 9 yards.
First sack of the game is by none other than the injured Dwight Freeney, drawing Drewbie Drewbie Drew down at the 30. Field goal kick is good. 10-3 Indy.
First Commercial is some sort of awesome human bridge created for Budweiser when the bridge is out. Wow!
That new movie with DiCaprio by Scorsese. Shutter Island.
Mark Sanchez for CBS Cares.
Career Builder supports Casual week, not casual Friday.
“I wear no pants” – Calling all men. It’s time to wear the pants. The Docker’s free pants ad. I miss my chance.
Peyton from the 21. First down by running again.
Garcon drops another one, trying to show Marques Colston exactly how it’s done. Colts to punt.
Commercial 1 – Lost recreation, except that someone saves the Bud Light from the fridge, and all the castaways celebrate instead of trying to survive. They also make the lady who saves the radio feel bad when they have it play music.
then some boring ass Dove Men’s add.
TERRY PORTER’S HAIR IS AWESOME! He has it shaved all Super Bowl XLIV like. Eeek. Drewbie Drewbie Drew almost throws an INT when he chucks it WAY over Shockey’s head. Responds by chucking it over to the PT Cruiser for a gain of 7.
First down to Colston. The Saints are Marching In!
Old Reggie Bush trips over the 48 yard line – No Gain. Shockey into Colts Territory, but a few yards short of the first down.
Lance Moore for 21 deep into Colts territory, ball down at the 22.5. Oh When the Saints!
Reverse to Meachem, loss of… 8? Ouch. This is the Super Bowl, not the Kansas City Chiefs. Loss of 7, officially.
Colston inside the 5 to the 3! I want to be in that number!
No gain on a pass to Lance Moore on first down. 3rd and goal from the 1. Fortune Favors The BOLD!
TV Timeout. commercial displaying boring guys, who acquiesce to everything asked of them. In order to get a Dodge Charger – Man’s Last Stand.
Teleflora.com can afford Super Bowl ad space? Holy crap!
Papa John’s’ ads are still boring, but their pizza is delicious, and so I forgive them!
Drew Brees is on the field after the TV Timeout. 2 minute warning. Mutant Reggie Bush on the sideline, handoff to Mike Bell, who falls. Lamedammit. Another commercial before 4th and Goal…
Alice in Wonderland trailer.
Dr. Pepper with more Kiss commercials, including Midget Kiss!
Puxsutawney Polamalu for NFL network/Tru TV. Nice.
Saints go for it, and the PT Cruiser is denied! ACH! Colts ball at the 1. Fullback dive to Mike Hart, out to the 5.
An Ad for Disney? Harry Potter? Six Flags? Universal Orlando. No wonder it’s so expensive.
Saints stop the Colts on 3rd down. Drew’ll get another crack at it.
News! Mom timed dinner for halftime exactly. Ballin!!!!!!!
Jim Nantz has an injury report for a guy whose spine was removed, for the FloTV mobile TV. Neat device, but portable TVs are old news. McAfee is the punter, from inside his own end zone. OUt to the Saints 48, where Reggie Bush fair catches it.
Deep pass to the Colts 32 to Devery Henderson. Saints finally in Field Goal position. 20 seconds left, one timeout. Henderson again to the 28. Timeout.
Intel ad for Intel building awesome servant robots? Nope, noew Intel processors are out. Buy yours now.
Saints out of timeouts. 11 seconds. Mutant Reggie Bush picks up a yard. Hartley on to try to make it 10-6 Indy. Why is this game low-scoring?! Drills the field goal. This kid doesn’t fuck around.
