Thought of the Day – February 24, 2010

Subjects, your emperor was feeling lazy today, and my friend Amy was whining about ‘being bored’ and such – so I issued an Imperial command for her to write a Thought of the Day. She subtitled this particular thought of the day:

If I May Interject…

Thought of the day? Good question.

I’ve discovered recently that I am fascinated with the morbidity of human life. Tragedies, tales of woe, impossible disappearances… It may perhaps be the fact that I am trying to step outside of my own world, and hope that somewhere, someone has it worse than I do.  Not that that is hard, as my life doesn’t consist of anything truly terrible. It is purely selfish thought that derives of my here and now.

I feel the worse thing anyone can say to anyone going through an iffy situation is: “Well, it could be worse.” Fuck that.  I completely understand that it could be worse, for someone else.  But being carried away on my own “worse” is bad enough, and I don’t really want to consider the consequences if this or that had happened, as I’m sure that any person whom has told a story of their own defeat, can understand.

That being said, I know it could be worse, hence the reading of the disasters. Although, I’ve determined to say that to each and every inconsiderate person who I’ve turned to and had spoken those words with: “Well, it could be worse.”

She’s really a happy person, I promise.

American Idol Tonight

Empire, the girls are doing so poorly tonight that those who AREN’T singing terribly – rather than are jumping off the screen – are looking like champions.  Blech.

Castle Drinking Game Rules

If you aren’t watching Castle on ABC, start by Imperial Decree.  Here’s an incentive, folks!  From Castletv.net:

Castle Drinking Game Rules!
(Gummy Bears, chocolate etc can be substituted for drinks)

Each person participating should take one drink when:

• Beckett rolls her eyes
• Eposito says “Yo”
• Esposito or Ryan say “Check this out”
• They drink or make coffee
• Alexis gives Castle a clue
• They look at the murder board
• Martha has a drink
• Ryan is shown with one of Castle’s books

Each person participating should take two drinks when:

• There’s a Feed the Birds
• Castle wears his writer vest
• Castle & Beckett steal an unseen “wanting look” to one or the other
• Castle Hugs Alexis

Each person participating should take three drinks when:

• Castle & Beckett touch
• Whenever there’s a poker game
• There’s a Firefly Reference

Greatest Underrated Hotties of All Time

I’m bored today, and feeling strangely smug that the United States beat Canada in some sport called… Hickey?  Hock?  Hacky-Sack!

No.  That’s not it.  Something to do with ice and a stick?  Ahh, who cares.  Let’s talk about something near and dear to your Empire’s heart – Hot chicks!

But not just any hot chicks, Empire.  You won’t find the likes of Angelina Jolie, Brooklyn Decker, Marissa Miller, Miranda Kerr, Carrie Underwood, or the incomparable Megan Fox on this list.  That’s too easy – there’s the top of Maxim’s Hot 100 for that.  And your dreams, to be sure.  This list is for the chicks you may have missed, or who don’t get the credit they’re due for their hotness.

Of course, as in all things, the only judge on this topic is yours truly.  And so without further ado, I bring to you…

#5 – Jewel Staite

#5 - Jewel Staite

Where you’ve seen her: TV’s Firefly, Serenity, Stargate: Atlantis

Oh, Jewel.  You’re adorable, and your role as Kaylie makes you so endearing to me on a deep level – much as the character did the other characters on Firefly.

#4 Elizabeth Bogush

#4 Elizabeth Bogush

Where  you’ve seen her: Tv’s Scrubs, KGB Commercials

Dr. Dorian’s favorite pharmacy rep is also the Empire’s favorite Bikini-clad know-it-all.  Hubba.

#3 Cobie Smulders

#3 Cobie Smulders

Where you’ve seen her: TV’s How I Met Your Mother

I mean… honestly – look at her.  Yum.

#2 Yvonne Strahovski

#2 Yvonne Strahovski

Where you’ve seen her: TV’s Chuck

Yvonne spends her days learning how to beat up other chicks in increasingly awesome new girl fights on NBC’s Chuck.  Blonde?  Beautiful?  Asskicking? What more could you possibly need?

#1 Morena Baccarin

Empress Candidate Morena Baccarin

Where you’ve seen her: TV’s Firefly, Serenity, V

What’s good enough for Malcolm Reynolds is good enough for me.  Toss in her gorgeous eyes and how hot she looks as Anna on V with short hair, and she can consider herself officially nominated for a position as your Empress, and as number 1 on our list of most underrated hotties of all time.  Comment with those I missed!

Thought of the Day – February 16, 2010

Hi Empire.  Have you missed me?  I thought you might have.  I try to be a more present Emperor and Supreme Overlord, but occasionally I am busy.  For example, I went to Portland, again.  It was fun, debaucherous and everything.  And also I’ve been doing a lot of non-Deratlian writing, which one day I might share with more than just you few readers if I get particularly lucky.  And then there’s the procrastinating.  Oh, Lordie, the procrastinating.

For today’s long overdue Thought of the Day, I hit up CNN’s frontpage for something that amused me, and discovered this Gem:

Palin Slams Fox’s ‘Family Guy’

From CNN Political Editor Mark Preston

Sarah Palin expressed outrage at the Fox Broadcasting Company program ‘Family Guy’.

Washington (CNN) – Sarah Palin expressed outrage at a Fox Broadcasting Company television program for deriding people with Down syndrome and making an apparent reference to her 22-month-old son, Trig, who has the genetic disorder.

The former Alaska governor said on her Facebook page that she was too angry to offer a coherent response so she had her daughter, Bristol, release a full statement on the family’s behalf.

The Palins directed their criticism at the prime time Fox cartoon, “Family Guy.” In Sunday’s episode, a teenaged female character with Down syndrome told another character that “my mom is the former governor of Alaska.” A song and dance routine by another character also used language that ridiculed people with disabilities.

“People are asking me to comment on yesterday’s Fox show that felt like another kick in the gut,” Palin, a Fox News contributor, said in the statement posted Monday evening on her Facebook page. “Bristol was one who asked what I thought of the show that mocked her baby brother, Trig (and/or others with special needs), in an episode yesterday. Instead of answering, I asked her what she thought. Here is her conscientious reply, which is a much more restrained and gracious statement than I want to make about an issue that begs the question, ‘when is enough, enough?’”

Bristol Palin’s statement was posted below her mother’s Facebook entry.

“When you’re the son or daughter of a public figure, you have to develop thick skin,” Bristol Palin said. “My siblings and I all have that, but insults directed at our youngest brother hurt too much for us to remain silent. People with special needs face challenges that many of us will never confront, and yet they are some of the kindest and most loving people you’ll ever meet. Their lives are difficult enough as it is, so why would anyone want to make their lives more difficult by mocking them?

“As a culture, shouldn’t we be more compassionate to innocent people – especially those who are less fortunate? Shouldn’t we be willing to say that some things just are not funny? Are there any limits to what some people will do or say in regards to my little brother or others in the special needs community? If the writers of a particularly pathetic cartoon show thought they were being clever in mocking my brother and my family yesterday, they failed. All they proved is that they’re heartless jerks.”

Fox Broadcasting – which, like Fox News, is owned by News Corp. – did not comment on the Palins’ response to the show.

Well.  My feelings towards this scenario are incredibly complex and profoundly important – like all of my feelings, as you’re well aware.  On the one hand, I immediately want to poke fun at Sarah Palin for being “Too Mad” to form a coherent statement, so instead the former governor trusts her baby-momma teenage daughter Bristol to deliver her family’s message.

Is it wrong of me that I’m so phenomenally surprised she was able to string words together?  Does that make me a “heartless jerk?”, or just an American who once listened to her mother attempt to string similar words together in a campaign setting?

On the other hand, the Palins becoming upset over what they claim is a “particularly pathetic cartoon” making fun of young Trig is unnecessary.  Getting mad over a show designed by assholes in order to make other assholes laugh is wholly unnecessary, and a preposterous waste of time.  It isn’t going to change anything, it just gives them something else to make fun of.  For their self-proclaimed ‘thick skin’, they sure reacted to this one with glass feelings.

Side-bar:  I just saw a trailer for ‘Green Zone’ starring Matt Damon.  This guy was DESIGNED to whip ass while looking handsome and regal.  For your viewing pleasure…

/Side-bar

Anyway – Back to Bristol Palin, though all parts of me ache to watch Matt Damon beat the hell out of criminals.

Her statement is simple, and far more coherent than 90% of what her mother said.  Then again, she undoubtedly was able to run it through a team of people and everyone knows it’s easier to be understandable in a written statement than off the top of your head.  Also, it’s obviously a real statement from her – an experienced politician probably wouldn’t call anyone a jerk.  It’s just a wee bit too honest.  Then again, being pissed off about someone making fun of your handicapped brother is an entirely expected and justified reaction.

Thought of the Day:  Scott McFarlane, Trey Parker, and Matt Stone don’t give a shit what the people they make fun of in their shows think of the way they’re portrayed.  Why waste your limited brain power, Sarah Palin?  You’ve got a Cable TV network to destroy.

Greatest Dunks of All Time

ESPN’s Sportsnation holds a tournament of the greatest NBA Posterization dunks of all time this week, and in a couple hours we’ll learn who wins their tournament.  However, they left out some pure classics.  Head over to www.espn.com to see MJ, and Pippen over Ewing, “The Dunk” by John Starks over His Airness AND Horace Grant, D Wade annhilating Anderson Varejao, Vince Carter dunking THROUGH Alonzo Mourning, Baron Davis going behind his head through Andrei Kirilenko,  Corey Brewer skying over Derek Fisher, T-Mac on Shawn Bradley, LeBron on Tim Duncan,  Kobe on Dwight Howard, Kevin Johnson on Hakeem, Tom Chambers dragging his nuts across Mark Jackson, Dr. J’s iconic dunk over Michael Cooper, Ricky Davis over Steve Nash, LeBron over Damon Jones, and Shawn Kemp’s double-point jam over Alton Lister.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  Those are all filthy dunks.  Especially Pippen over Ewing, Dr. J’s swoop and slam, and Kemp’s thunderous jam on Lister complete with the double-point celebration.  Poor Patrick Ewing probably still has nightmares with the taste of MJ and Pippen’s individual nutsacks coating his mouth.  But let’s point out the obvious.  All of those jams are good, but only a few of them are by ‘true’ forwards – Pippen, Chambers, Kemp.  There’s some serious big man discrimination here.  For example, what about…

Carmelo Anthony over Glen Davis, Paul Pierce, and Eddie House

Or “The Human Highlight Reel”.  Pick one – I choose his jam on the Heat (#6).  Or maybe his embarassment of Larry Bird (#4).  Just filthy.  Ah… you watch.

Or Chris Webber over Chuck!  I mean – he wraps the ball around his back!

Shaq on the Admiral?

The Admiral dunking on the Magic and then getting mugged by Dennis Rodman (:55 seconds)!

Dwight Howard was unafraid of jamming it on Cleveland.  And he BREAKS THE SHOT CLOCK.

**Edit**  I left out Hakeem “The Dream” Olajuwon slamming it over Patrick Ewing after embarrassing him and letting him come back to try to redeem himself.  Filthiness.

For your consideration, however, there is no doubt which is the greatest posterization of all Time.  Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado… Vinsanity.  The G.O.A.T. posterization.

Job Hunt Update

Hi Empire.  I figured there were some of you who might care a little bit, so I figured I’d share a few updates with you regarding my job hunt.

First off, I received an official rejection from the job in Germany yesterday.  It sure is a pain in the neck when you have to translate out one of those bad boys.

Second off, I received a few offers for interviews, but nothing I was able to attend.  Ah well.  In any case…

Third off, I’m abandoning the pursuit of an adult job to pursue Law School.  Really, I shouldn’t have abandoned the pursuit in the first place, but there you are.

Good Day, Empire.

Super Bowl XLIV, Second Half

Our 2nd Half coverage opens up with a look at “The Backup Plan”, J-Lo’s ass’ return to the big screen.

Followed by an Air Force Reserve ad, and then Miller High Life’s first introduction, “Giving up their commercial to help out small business friends.”

Old Qwest ad w/ French language and classes.  Boring!  Silly locals.

Jay Z is back for the end of ‘Run this Town’ before the 2nd half.  Nice.

SAINTS RECOVER AN ONSIDE KICK TO OPEN THE 2ND HALF!  Sure looked like White ball.  It’s buried in the pile!

SAINTS BALL! SAINTS BALL!

Payton showing that sometimes you need a set of Big Brass ones to win the Super Bowl!  Geaux Saints! Johnathan Casillas with the recovery!

PT Cruiser with a checkdown, 12 yards to the Colts 45.  First down!  Henderson for 9.999 yards.  2nd down coming.  Henderson catches it twice, 1st down again.  Freeney’s getting re-taped on the sideline.

Peyton looks FURIOUS.  He might eat Jim Caldwell any second now.  Colston for 9.9999 yards.  Saints are killing the Colts with that play.

PT Cruiser gets the first down with a 7 yard pickup on the jog, per usual.  Screen to him, TOUCHDOWN SAINTS!!!!!!!!!  Boom Baby!!! Geaux Saints!  13-10 with Hartley’s PAT.

Sean Payton.  Big.  Brass.  Ones.

An Ad for Prince of Persia, starring Jake Gyllenhaal, which they filmed a long time ago.  Looks as badass as the video games.

Now Megan Fox sending pictures of her in the bath, looking super sexy.  An Ad for Motorola, I guess?

A chicken playing pool is apparently an advertise for Denny’s.

“Hey Ladies.  Call Barney Stinson. 1-877-987-6401″

Kickoff to the 6 to the Colts’ Chad Simpson, who returns it to the 23.

How big of a set of brass balls was that onsides kick?  The first non-4th quarter Onside kick… in the history of the Super Bowl.

Time for the Saints to step up, after giving up a first down to Dallas Clark.  Addai with an 11 yard run.

Addai with a 6 yard run.   Wow.  The Peyton 2000 is marching right down the field.

Colts 3rd and 5 from the 15.  Peyton 2000 in the shottie.  No one else in the backfield.  Tosses to Clark – First and Goal from the 4.  TD Joseph Addai.  Colts 17, N’Awlins 13.  What a ballgame!

Michelob Ultra sends out Lance Armstrong to convince us the badass athletes drink Michelob Ultra.

Chevy Chase comes out to speak against shady hotels for Homeaway.com.

Super Hot chick in rainy leather for Bridgestone, who is apparently attacking this super bowl with a fierce passion.

Now KGB makes an appearance with our favorite underrated Hot Chick, two nerdy dudes, and a Sumo Wrestler.  Huzzah!

Courtney Roby with another big old return, now back to commercials.

Nighttime Safari, anyone?  Bump into elephants while sleep walking when you drink Coca-Cola.  Also, pet hyenas, and walk across canoes as they cross hippo-infested rivers.

E*Trade baby!  Wolf-style, to impress a chick.

Saints from the 34.  PT Cruiser picks up 5 yards.  Mutant Reggie Bush with a check down takes it to the Colts’ 48.  Eeep!  Check Down to Reggie Bush bounces off his hands towards Clint Sessions.  Yipes!  Almost a TAINT.

Fake Draw to Mutant Reggie Bush, comeback throw to Devery Henderson, who’s having a nice game.  Toss over to Meachem for…. 1 yard, maybe?  barely anything.  PT Cruiser picks up 3.

Shockey to the 29, another long field goal for Hartley?  This one would be a super-bowl record 3 of over 40, Hartley… DRILLS ANOTHER ONE.  Historically proficient, is the young fella.  17-16, Indy still with the lead.

Boring Commercials – not really remembering what they’re representing there.  Still waiting for the Ads to take it to 11.

This kick is taken from deep in the end zone, but not really taken out to make it worth it. Colts ball at the 11!

The ad with all the cartoon characters and toys that isn’t new, but is an advertisement for the Kia Sorento.  *yawn*

Budweiser Select 55 shows off a condensationy bottle.  Lame ad, but I haven’t seen it before.

Colts open off with a pass for 9 yards, then their loose huddle offense where Peyton calls the plays where he wants to.  Donald Brown the deep back, he takes it for 5 yards and a first down.  The Colts are really running the ball well tonight.

4 Yards to Collie, whose the handsomest Mormom since Steve Young.

Jack in The Box makes an appearance after a lame ad for the Masters.  He bungee jumps and gets his ice-cream cone head stuck in the ground.

Another Air Force Reserve ad.

Garcon is wide open, and is marching down the field at the behest of Peyton 2000.  Addai stopped for a loss of 2.  Finally, the Saints D borrows Payton’s big brass ones and slows the Colts down a bit.

Stat block – Peyton and Brees are 1 and 2 in 4th quarter QB rating, at 115.4 and 113.5.  Damn!

Reggie Wayne’s been quiet tonight, lining up across from the awesomely haired Terry Porter.  3rd and long, throw over to Wayne for a 10 yard gain.  Peyton lines it up from 4th and 2, screen over to Wayne, who catches it on the quick slant.  Colts ball at the 32 of New Orleans.  1st and 10.

Wide Receiver Screen on 2nd down, eaten alive by Malcolm Jenkins!  Austin Collie gets swapped to Defense, knocks the ball away from Jon Vilma on 3rd down.  Stover from 51 yards.  No good.  Wide Left!!!  Saints Ball.  10:30 left in the game.

Beyonce is dancing for Wifi’s advertisement.  Also Dramatic Gopher.  and Ninjas.  And Aliens.  And Numa Numa guy.  And Facebook.  All for Vizio and their new Internet function.

Awesome + Awesome = Awesomer.  Thanks Pop Secret.

So far, Doritos is crushing in the best ad competition.  With reckless abandon.

Drew Brees with the ball at Indy’s 41.  Long run by Mutant Reggie Bush to open things off, taking the ball to Colts territory.

Peyton 2000 is about to be set to destroy mode – the Saints need to eat the clock here, as well as score.  Definitely a TD, definitely a 2 PAT.  Saints with 1st and 10 from the Colts’ 36.  Over to Mutant Reggie Bush for an 8 yard gain.  Colston at the 19, Saints in the Red Zone again.    Meachem on the scree, the ball down near the 14.

Pass to Thomas, 1st and goal from the 5!  PT Cruiser totes it to the 2!    TOUCHDOWN NEW ORLEANS!  JEREMY SHOCKEY!!!!!  The Offense stays on the field, as the Chart says to take 2 in this situation.  To make it 24-17, Drew Brees with a bunch formation right.  toss to Moore, but dropped.  Damn it!  Oh wait!  That replay looks like he had control and was across, and then the colt kicked it out of his hand.  The Saints ought to review that one.

A Calf wants to be a clydesdale for Budweiser, and we have the Clydesdale commercial.  “Nothing comes between Friends.”

The Saints are challenging the play on the field, this may be overturned, and make it 24-17.  2 POINTS!  GEAUX SAINTS!!!!!

Another Chicken commercial for Denny’s… but now with presidential chickens.

An add with tatoos on their faces for the show Criminal Minds – also known as the inferior Precursor to ‘Lie to Me”.

Colts ball at their 30 – best field position of the half, at least.  I think the day.  False Start added on to the very low number of penalties called and enforced so far.

Peyton 2000 just knitted a scarf, took his daily job, took a quick nap… and then found Carcon for a first down.

Oooh.. Malcom Jenkins almost took one away from Peyton!  Off his fingertips – that’s why he plays defense.

The Defense Death Robot recovers well, and has the Colts Marching again.

Yikes!  The Saints Defensive Tackle, Anthony Hargrove, is down.  Bad News!  Bad News!

YEAH YEAH Y:EAH SAINTS TAINT!!!!!!  TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Boo!  YEAH BABY!  Tracy Porter takes Peyton 2000 to the HOUSE!  His Hair made him do it.

Another New Doritos ad, with some sort of 80s workout and awesome nunchaku Dorito gy.

Geaux Saints!

Kickoff is 1 yard deep.  Holding on the Colts brings the ball back to – deep in their own territory, again.

Bud Light is back, with some sort of Hot Chick book club advertisement.

E*Trade baby is back, with 4 friends who all suck at Investments.

Boo Yeah!  Geaux Saints!  Dallas Clark drops it!   NOw he was wide open, ball out to the Colts’ 30, but tackled in bounds.

Go Daddy is back after the same lame shape-ups ad.  Are Go-Daddy ads too hot?  See there sight for more information.

Peyton 2000 checks to Addai, hurries up to check to him again.  Flag down on the play!

Interception in the End Zone!  Flag on the play!

Garcon pushed off, but he got Greer out of bounds so the INT doesn’t count.

Checkdown to Addai again.  Colts at the 3.  Ball tipped off the goal posts – Out of Bounds.

Addai stuffed at the five!    4th and goal!

PEYTON INCOMPLETE OVER THE MIDDLE!

THE SAINTS WIN!  SAINTS WIN!  SAINTS WIN!  SAINTS WIN!  SAINTS WIN!

DELIRIUM ON BOURBON STREET!

Victory Formation for Drewbie Drewbie Drew!!!!!  SAINTS WIN!  The Gatorade Bath!  The Saints WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!

YEAH BUDDY!  SING IT WITH ME!

OH WHEN THE SAINTS!

GO MARCHING IN!

OH WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN!

OH LORD I WANT

TO BE, IN THAT NUMBER!

WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN!!!!

Super Bowl XLIV, Halftime

Halftime Dinner, you ask?  Jambalaya, in honor of Who Dat!

I’ll do my best to remember the commercials, and post them after I eat such deliciousness.  Not that anyone is reading this, of course.  Yet, I must try!

Chase busts out an old but decent commercial.

Some sort of surfing advertisement.

Now, delicious Jambalaya and the halftime talking.  TV paused while everyone eats.

The Who are Up!!!!

First up in their Medley, “Pinball Wizard” – isn’t this about Cooper Manning?

Next, “Teenage Wasteland”  Pete Townshed unleashes the whirling arm for the first time.

“Who are you?” Anyone?  Excellent

THERE IT IS!  Whirls it around like a windmill, baby!  That can’t be good for his geriatric ass shoulder.

“Won’t Get Fooled Again” follows it up… “My Generation” has to be up next, right?

Apparently not.  Ends there.  No people are trying to keep them d-d-d-down.

CBS ads make up all the advertisements after the Who.

On to the 2nd Half!

Super Bowl XLIV, Kickoff and First Half

Run This Town, Jay Z!  What a song for the Super Bowl opening.  With an orchestra back, and conducted by Hove himself.  CBS makes a turn for the bad-ass.  Who wants the Who instead of this guy at halftime, again?

Who gonn’ run this town tonight?  An entire city vs. Peyton Manning.  Who Dat!  Who Dat!  Who Dat Think they gonn’ beat them Saints!

Jim Nantz and the schlub Phil Simms are calling the Super Bowl.

New Orleans is first on the field, with quite the ‘Who Dat’ montage.  All the players are talking, but none of their words are recorded.

Now it’s Indy, and they’re a little better picked up by the microphones.  Led onto the field by… not Peyton.  What the hell?

Solomon Wilcots and Steve Tasker are the sideline reporters?  But….  Sam Ryan!  *sniff*

Do these count as Super Bowl commercials?  I wonder, because Pizza Hut’s ad isn’t new, and neither is Geico’s.  I hope not – non new commercials are LAME.

Walter Payton Man of the Year nominees – London Fletcher, LB, Washington.  Mike Furrey, WR/S, Cleveland.  Brian Waters, G, Kansas City.   All deserving.  All from shitty teams – perhaps they need to focus a little more on football and less on being amazing people.

The winner is…. Brian Waters, of the Kansas City Chiefs!  Congratulations!  Your team was 4-12.

Queen Latifah is here to sing America the Beautiful.  I thought she was a rapper?  And she’s accompanied by some combination choir, made up of brats and adults alike.  Then she goes all gangsta on its end.  Not surprising.  And now, the real show.

Our National Anthem, sung today by none other than your future Empress, Carrie Underwood.  Can we just sign her up to sing every National Anthem, ever, from now until she’s unable to sing?  Her voice is like honey and blowjobs combined.

Saints players are crying and singing along.  Colts players are looking on stoicly.  Geaux Saints!  I’m officially committed.  41-31 N’Awlins, baby!

Avatar: The Last Windbender is being made into a movie directed by M. Night Shyamalan.  Badass, sir.  Excellent first commercial.

Oh – and here’s the LeBron and Dwight McDonald’s Horse commercial.  Some sick shit being thrown down – and Dwight breaks the backboard, only to have Larry Legend steal his lunch.  Badass!

The Coin Toss now, accompanied by the Hall of Fame class of 2010: Ricky Jackson, Russ Grimm, John Randle, Floyd Little, Dick LeBeau, some dude named Jerry Rice (?), and Emmitt Smith (who?).  New Orleans is the visitors.  Indy the home team.  Emmitt’s here to flip the coin.  New Orleans calls Heads (wtf!)

It is a Head!  New Orleans takes the ball!  Take a seat, Peyton.

Commercials:

Hyundai has a boring add for the new Sonata, with lots of praise for it.

Kickoff.  Matt Stover to boot it for the Colts.  He puts it to the 3, returned by Courtney Roby to the 23.  Drew Brees and the unstoppable Jesus Juggernauts take the field, baby!  Reggie Bush gets the start at RB.

Injured Dwight Freeney is on the field.  The PT Cruiser gets the handoff and jog-glides forward for a gain of 2.  Then it’s slung over to him on a checkdown for a gain of 6.  3rd and 2, N’Awlins!!!  Dwight Freeney isn’t Dwight Freeney today – Brees would have been sacked if he were.  Brees deep and misses Meachem on 3rd and 2.  Bummer!

Punt by Morestead to T.J. Rushing who is tackled IMMEDIATELY by Courtney Roby, special teams wunderkind for the Saints against his former team.

Peyton takes the field for the frist time against his boyhood team.  Damn!  First town to Dallas Clark, gain of 16.

Huge hit by Roman Harper on 2nd down on Joe Addai.  DAMN!  Ass over teakettle, for sure.  Followed by another short pass to Clark for the 1st.  At NO 42 – incomplete to Clark.

Screen to Garcon, Indy’s play A – 3 yard gain.  3rd down!  Floats it to Collie… First Down!  The Colts pretending they’re alive with this drive, it’s actually exciting, unlike all of their drives against the J! E! T! S! last week.

The Imperial Step-father brought a Michelob Winter’s Bourbon Cask Ale home for me, and it isn’t unpleasant.  Pretty good for a major-brewery contribution.  Bourbon casks, hint of vanilla beans.

Stover’s on to kick the Field Goal… 3-0 Colts.  Easy Peasy.

Bud Light’s commercial advertises a Bud Light house, made out of Bud Light cans.  Not too shabby.

Betty White is playing football.  “She’s playing like Betty White out there.”  Snickers delivers.  I repeat – Betty White is playing football.

Jesus H. Christ.  Yahweh.  God. Allah.  Jesus.  Fuck you, Tim Tebow.

Okay, apparently this kickoff guy isn’t Matt Stover, but is Indy’s punter.  Roby is out to the 28, and FUMBLES!  Saints recover immediately, though he’d have been ruled down on review.

Boost Mobile gets the 85 Bears back around to recreate the Super Bowl Shuffle… lame!  Not nearly as good.

Doritos! Solid performance, with a dog putting his anti-bark collar on a human taunting him with Doritos with ‘Speak’ commands…

Brees – quit throwing it to the PT Cruiser until he commits to sprinting.   2nd down is a toss to Colston for 4 yards.  See, Drewbie Drewbie Drew – Mutant Reggie Bush picks up 16 on 3rd and 6.  Throw it to THAT guy!

Mutant Reggie Bush picks up 3 on the ground on first down.  Ach!  Colston brickhands an easy one.  Damn it.  And again on 3rd down.  Stupid!

Ah… Defense broke it up.  Not a drop, then.  Excellent, though the Saints still have to punt again.

Downed at the 4!  Courtney Roby, baby!  Every special teams play so far he’s been involved with.

Robin Hood Trailer.  Excellent.  Though I refuse to believe Cate Blanchett as ‘Maid’ Marion.  She’s old!

Doritos again!  A little kid slaps a dude over to take his mom on a date, who then tries to take one of his chips.  Nice!

Bud Light + Science Nerds = party time, apparently!

First down on the first play back.  Addai gashes N’Awlins for 16 on the ensuing 2nd down.

No penalties yet.  12 yards for Addai on 1st down.  Wow.  The Colts run the ball?  I’m as surprised as New Orleans!

Reggie Wayne’s first catch is a 5 yard gain.  Donald Brown picks up 4 and crosses the 50 on 2nd down.

Addai to the Saints 22!  Indy runs the inside trap, full-backless edition.  Season Long 26 yard run by Addai.

The Saints’ D-Coordinator, Gregg Williams, promised to give Peyton some remember me hits.  And thus far they are.  Peyton’s been hit every passing play so far.  Unfortunately it’s leaving them open to runs.  TOUCHDOWN INDIANAPOLIS!!  Peyton to Garcon.  Indy 10-0 after a Stover PAT.  Man I look stupid…

The Coke Simpsons Commercial… Mr. Burns feels all left out.  Until Abu gives him a coke and everyone is happy.

Go Daddy shows up, with Danica Patrick and a masseuse.  Like all GoDaddy ads, I just feel sad after it ends prematurely.

Holding on the Saints – Penalty count goes to 1!  Drewbie Drewbie Drew and the Saints are backed up.

ANOTHER Doritos new add.  Dude fakes his death and is buried surrounded by Doritos and with an assist from his buddies sells a miracle.

Bud Light picks it up with some T-Pain voice electrification (?) in the vein of their wassup ads.

Monster has a violinist Beaver.

The Wolfman with a shorter, new trailer.

One Mike Bell run later, and it’s the 2nd quarter.

An Orca Whale stars in the ad for Bridgestone Tires.  “Now that, was a bachelor party.”

Reebok Shape-ups thinks we’ll believe a football player wears them.  Bullshit flag, 10 dollar penalty.

Cars.com fails to do something new with their ad this year, merely updating their awesome kid makes good, still nervous about cars ad.

Uh-oh.  Largest deficit overcome to win is 10 points, also.

Colston Caught it!!!!!  First down, Saints!  Personal Foul on the Colts!!!!!! Hit out of bounds on Mutant Reggie Bush!!!! First down, Saints, at the 50.  Drew Brees checks it to the PT Cruiser, who jogs it out for 9 yards.

First sack of the game is by none other than the injured Dwight Freeney, drawing Drewbie Drewbie Drew down at the 30.  Field goal kick is good.  10-3 Indy.

First Commercial is some sort of awesome human bridge created for Budweiser when the bridge is out.  Wow!

That new movie with DiCaprio by Scorsese. Shutter Island.

Mark Sanchez for CBS Cares.

Career Builder supports Casual week, not casual Friday.

“I wear no pants” – Calling all men.  It’s time to wear the pants.  The Docker’s free pants ad.  I miss my chance.

Peyton from the 21.  First down by running again.

Garcon drops another one, trying to show Marques Colston exactly how it’s done.  Colts to punt.

Commercial 1 – Lost recreation, except that someone saves the Bud Light from the fridge, and all the castaways celebrate instead of trying to survive.  They also make the lady who saves the radio feel bad when they have it play music.

then some boring ass Dove Men’s add.

TERRY PORTER’S HAIR IS AWESOME!  He has it shaved all Super Bowl XLIV like.  Eeek.  Drewbie Drewbie Drew almost throws an INT when he chucks it WAY over Shockey’s head.  Responds by chucking it over to the PT Cruiser for a gain of 7.

First down to Colston.  The Saints are Marching In!

Old Reggie Bush trips over the 48 yard line – No Gain.  Shockey into Colts Territory, but a few yards short of the first down.

Lance Moore for 21 deep into Colts territory, ball down at the 22.5.  Oh When the Saints!

Reverse to Meachem, loss of… 8?  Ouch.  This is the Super Bowl, not the Kansas City Chiefs.  Loss of 7, officially.

Colston inside the 5 to the 3!  I want to be in that number!

No gain on a pass to Lance Moore on first down.   3rd and goal from the 1.  Fortune Favors The BOLD!

TV Timeout.  commercial displaying boring guys, who acquiesce to everything asked of them.  In order to get a Dodge Charger – Man’s Last Stand.

Teleflora.com can afford Super Bowl ad space?  Holy crap!

Papa John’s’ ads are still boring, but their pizza is delicious, and so I forgive them!

Drew Brees is on the field after the TV Timeout.  2 minute warning.  Mutant Reggie Bush on the sideline, handoff to Mike Bell, who falls.  Lamedammit.  Another commercial before 4th and Goal…

Alice in Wonderland trailer.

Dr. Pepper with more Kiss commercials, including Midget Kiss!

Puxsutawney Polamalu for NFL network/Tru TV.  Nice.

Saints go for it, and the PT Cruiser is denied!  ACH!  Colts ball at the 1.  Fullback dive to Mike Hart, out to the 5.

An Ad for Disney?  Harry Potter? Six Flags?  Universal Orlando.  No wonder it’s so expensive.

Saints stop the Colts on 3rd down.  Drew’ll get another crack at it.

News!  Mom timed dinner for halftime exactly.  Ballin!!!!!!!

Jim Nantz has an injury report for a guy whose spine was removed, for the FloTV mobile TV.  Neat device, but portable TVs are old news.  McAfee is the punter, from inside his own end zone.  OUt to the Saints 48, where Reggie Bush fair catches it.

Deep pass to the Colts 32 to Devery Henderson.  Saints finally in Field Goal position.  20 seconds left, one timeout.  Henderson again to the 28.  Timeout.

Intel ad for Intel building awesome servant robots?  Nope, noew Intel processors are out.  Buy yours now.

Saints out of timeouts.  11 seconds.  Mutant Reggie Bush picks up a yard.  Hartley on to try to make it 10-6 Indy.  Why is this game low-scoring?!  Drills the field goal.  This kid doesn’t fuck around.